(no subject)

I would like to be able to explain why. It is a barrier of language, but it would be no easier in русский язык. There is not language enough for what I could say.

It would seem as if it was Alexi and Vadim that caused it. That is what others say. They left, one because I was inadequate and the other because the world was inadequate. I know this, have seen it. They are only two, others say. There are more. You will find more.

I do not want more. "More" will also leave. All things leave. It was them that made me see but it is now all I see. I weigh those moments together with the pain after and I do not want to stay. And I do not deserve to stay.

What was beautiful to me? I should remember. Night. Sharpness. Order. Control. Stillness. Music that screams.

I remember the painting of my mother's in my flat... diamonds on a velvet red as blood. It is gone. Desperate to be human, I took away all that was mine. Now I am a monster who does not fit.